His Hands

It's mid November and I've spent every spare second online doing job searches. I attended a job fair last week that opened a door for an internship opportunity. Classes will be over the first week in December and here I am... waiting in anticipation for what my next move will be. I've never felt like this before. I remember getting up extra early the morning I moved away from my home in NC to GA. I got in the shower and just cried because I was afraid of what the next four years may hold. I was scared to leave my family and my hometown because it's all I've ever known. I was scared to be on my own two states away from the people and places that helped make me who I am.
Four years later, I find myself wanting to do the same thing, but I won't. Because I know that the one thing I was scared of was change. Now that I've experienced the pain and excitement of change, I don't fear it like I did when I was 18. Now I want to embrace it because I know it's what I have to do next in order to fulfill my calling in this life. But what that calling is, I'm not sure.
Every night this month I've found myself lying wide awake at night praying. Prayer has always been a part of my life, but not like it is now. I've never neglected sleep to pray. And for the first time in my life, I'm desperate for God to show up big time. I've decided that I want Him to decide what job or internship or school I go to next. I want Him to decide my next move. For strangers, that's probably not a big deal. But for the people who really know me, they know that I've always been a 'do-it-yourself' kind of girl. I hate to ask for help in any situation. I hate admitting that I need help or admitting that I don't know the next move for my life. But I've come to a point in my life that I feel that asking God to decide for me is my only option. I handed Him my wedding and look at what a success it was. We got engaged with ZERO money for a wedding and God put it on the hearts of so many friends and family members to give to us. Our wedding was beautiful and so annointed with God's loving Spirit.
So again, I'm putting my next move, my future, my calling in life in God's hands and asking Him to put me where He wants me. I've learned that if God's not in it, then I shouldn't be either. I think this lesson can only be learned with time... and a lot of disappointments along life's journey. So whether or not I'll be getting up at 5 a.m to make it to a big city for an internship or getting up and going to a local job, only God knows! And somehow that is only scary for a second, then I feel at peace with knowing that my Heavenly Father is charge of my life so I can relax because it's no longer up to me anymore. That.... is an amazing feeling.
As the year 2010 comes to an end, I can't help but want to peek around the corner to see what God has in store for me in 2011. If it's anything like this year, I know it will truly be amazing.